Forgive My Life

Posts Tagged ‘dogs

I’ve had a startling realization this morning…. this is my new normal. This chaos and weird shit that happens…. this is my NORMAL! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, really.

Dog barks at 6:20 so I get up, thinking that he needs to do business. He doesn’t need to do business…his focus is chasing after me and licking my bare legs. I don’t know why having the dog lick my legs grosses me out so much but I want to never wear shorts again.

I had planned to make the kids pumpkin bake this week but we ended up a day late so I made it this morning. There is a reason I usually bake it the night before and that is because it takes forever to bake! I turned the oven on and got everything mixed together before I realized that there was a very bright orange in the oven.

Oh yeah…whatever spilled in the bottom of the oven was on fire. There was a moment right before the panic struck that I was envisioning trying to get 5 sleeping kids and all of my important shit out of the house before it burned to the ground.

The chunk on fire was probably the size of a grape so I figured I could probably grasp it with the barbecue tongs. I didn’t really expect to have the chunk crumble as I picked it up…spreading the flaming coals all over the bottom of the oven. Shit.

I had to actually crush the bits of charcoal food remnants with a flipper and scrape them out of the oven; all the while trying not to burn my hand.

This is probably a sign that I need to run the self clean cycle on the oven. I should also figure out how to use the fire extinguisher.

Just a random big deal..but the dog totally tried to trip me while I hauled the laundry basket down the stairs. I’m pretty sure it was payback for eating bacon in front of him. Or maybe the barking at 6:20 was all part of his master plan to off me today.


I like to greet Monday mornings with my usual gusto and enthusiasm. It’s probably a little less ‘gust the ono and enthusiasm’, a little more ‘please don’t let this day go to the shitter before I am fully awake’.

Mondays are the only day that I absolutely have to shower on and I desperately need the kids to stay in bed while I’m doing this. Wylder greeted me while I was drying off…crying. From in his kennel, the dog was yipping. And then I realized that it’s 6:15am and my day will not go well.

I was up way too late trying to read about it and I realized that reading about protein SUCKS compared to consuming it. (amino acids = big old snooze fest. Big ass steak = PARTY!!!)

My plan was to take a half hour to work more on the protein chapter of my book…plan schman!! The dog had puked in his bed and when I let him outside, he peed all over the step in front of the door. Then he decided to torment the still sleeping kids by hopping into their beds! I was alerted to this by Anya screaming… she is doing well with her fear of dogs but nothing like a good jolt to the heart when a dog jumps on you in your sleep.

I managed to sneak online for 3 minutes and there was a super great quote on my friend’s Facebook wall: “My children are not going to be a part of today’s problems, they will be part of the solution.” It totally motivated me to get my kids to be part of the solution but they were unwilling to make me breakfast. They also didn’t want to hear about all of the cool things I learned about the digestive tract.

As if…farting at the table is appropriate for an 11 year old but apparently it’s inappropriate table talk when I discuss the length of the large intestine or how fermenting sugars in the small intestine is what causes the farting. Phhft.

After shoving the 3 boys out of the vehicle (tuck and roll, boys!!!), I treated myself to a coffee and bought the wee sprouts an iced hot chocolate (that’s just code for chocolate milk…go figure). Then I came home to something that I totally expected… someone finds my blog offensive. Something like that would have totally gotten me down before….now it just gives me more reason to keep blogging.

Here’s the thing…this is MY blog, MY life, and that fancy X in the corner gives you the freedom to not read it anytime you wish. 😉 Swears may not be necessary but I really don’t give a shit.

Sometimes my days can start completely shitty and turn out amazing. I had a great chat with Sabrina (from Fetch Haus), coffee with my husband, a walk with the dog, and managed to get in quite a bit of reading time! Take THAT Monday!!

A couple of years ago, Adam came home from school with a little evergreen tree. This is something that happens on Arbour Day for 1st graders and I think it’s kind of ridiculous. We end up having to find some place to plant these things and they almost always die.

I say almost always but the reality is…they always die. My ability to keep small children alive is remarkable but that talent is exclusive of anything alive and green.

Adam’s little tree ended up in the spot in our yard where a poplar tree once stood. For the record, I didn’t kill it; it was taken out in the great storm of ’06. Now, the stump from this poplar tree still resided near the little evergreen and multiple attempts to get rid of it had failed. When it became a hot spot for ants, Billy decided to ‘deal with it’.

Dealing with it entailed dumping gas on the stump and lighting it on fire. The close proximity of the little evergreen tree meant that the poor thing didn’t even stand a chance. It was nothing more than a charred stick by the time the flames died down.

As the snow melted this Spring, something amazing happened….the little evergreen was green again! It also happened to be in the location that I had staked out as the new garden. Shit. This tree had been burned and it came back to life…that’s perseverance!

Rory, in all of his puppy teething glory, as decided to go Round 2 with the little tree. A game of tug of war has left the poor thing stripped of bark in its midsection.

Rest in peace, little tree… I guess I can plan out the garden now. I should also plan to surround it with a 4 foot high electric fence.

Since all bad things revolve around my attempts to shower, I don’t know why today would be any different. Wylder found a tube of Anya’s lip gloss and painted the hallway floor with it. Ho hum.

I started running the shower when Wylder came into the bathroom…stark naked. Why hasn’t someone created a diaper that toddlers can’t take off yet??? Anya came behind him with the freshly removed diaper… and it was obvious that at one point it contained poop. Fuck. Now I would have to search the entire upstairs (in the buff) to find the missing poop.

Since the only room he could get into was Anya’s, my search was fast, but I discovered no poop. It may be one of those unsolvable mysteries…like UFOs, big foot, and the abominable snowman.

The boy and his dog are thick as thieves. They’ve teamed up and I will never be safe again.

It started with me deciding I would take a bath. Lack of sleep impairs my judgement.

Billy texted that he was 15 minutes away and I confidently climbed into the bath while encouraging the kids to play in Anya’s room. Wylder, the water fanatic, clawed at his clothes in an attempt to give me some splashy company. Perhaps, my little friend, if you wouldn’t cram plastic toys in my exposed areas, you could join me. He settled for sticking both hands in the water while I negotiated with him to leave the room.

I sent him downstairs to check out the window for his Dad and he left. He didn’t settle for a look out the window, though. Nope, no way…he was going to have a look see out the front door. The dog, realizing that his little person has absolutely no control over him, saw his chance at freedom.

Back up in the tub I realized that I would never be able to get the dog back in the house unless he could see me. Dripping wet, towel barely wrapped around me, and angry, I ran to the door. The dog, probably sensing the rage, decided to take shelter in the neighbour’s yard. Of course this means that I will have to actually step outside, into the rain, and track that little beast down.

In that moment, he could have decided he wanted to play but he willingly came back into the house. I doled out a round of “No. Bad dog!”, told Wylder to leave the door shut, and tried to convince them, again, to play in Anya’s room.

Back into the tub…water not as warm as it was before… 5 more minutes and Billy would be home.

Anya in her room, Wylder and Rory dog downstairs, me in the tub…and then there was a noise. Refrigerator noise. Bottles clanging around.

Another attempt to convince Wylder into Anya’s room failed and things were suddenly too quiet downstairs. I am too late for whatever bad things are going on and I know it. I quickly throw the towel on and rush down the stairs to find an empty bottle of sesame oil in the middle of the living room. A trail of oil leading from the kitchen and into the living room, the dog happily lapping up what he could, and the boy smiling at me. WTF?????

Hands and knees, dripping wet, towel draped over me, and I cleaned up the oil. As if on cue, Billy walked in. I finished cleaning and warned him that if anyone even dared to come into the bathroom, there would be HELL to pay!

My bath sucked.

Later, with Rory napping beside me, I realized that his fur was covered in sesame oil. He stunk like freaking Chinese food!! Wylder had poured (probably quite deliberately) sesame oil on the dog.

I condensed the story into 140 characters, posted about it on Twitter, and then this happened….

Kudos, Dan! In all of my FML ranting, I didn’t even make the dog/Chinese food connection!

Now it’s become obvious that Wylder was probably trying to prepare the dog to be eaten. I mean…he is a foodie’s child so he has plenty of experience with marinades. Had I also found the coconut aminos on the dog, I would worry but clearly his tastes aren’t refined enough to properly prepare the dog so I think Rory is safe. For now.

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