Forgive My Life

Posts Tagged ‘dog

13 years ago, Billy and I got hitched. I would say that it was a dream wedding but it really wasn’t. We were married on a grassy area between 2 busy roads in clothes that we would wear on a normal day.

It’s strange how fast 13 years goes by. The phrase “Time flies when you’re having fun” doesn’t really seem to apply here, however… I think having 5 kids is the reason 13 years has flown by.

I had high hopes for today… we’re having steak (bacon wrapped perhaps?) for supper. 13 is the steak & bacon anniversary, right? No? Okay, well…here it is. Who needs gold or silver when you’ve got steak & bacon?!?

My high hopes were shattered last night when I couldn’t breathe. Stupid dust allergies and the fact that my kids’ bedrooms are absolute shitholes that were in such desperate need of being cleaned that I risked it. I am paying for it dearly. Oh, last night Wylder woke up and his damn sippy cup spilled all over the bed so I had to stay in one position so that I wouldn’t roll into the wet spot.

I tried to sleep in a little but realized that I needed to go see Gavin’s teacher so I should probably look remotely decent.

Then the dog….ugh…. he followed me, nipped at my ankles, and slammed into my legs while I tried to get my morning cheerfulness on.

Thankfully, Billy was able to pick up the boys and bring them to school. Not so thankfully, the dog yakked all over the couch minutes after he left. Possibly, it was his anniversary gift to us… totally unappreciated though.

Let’s just hope that his gift isn’t a sign of how the rest of the day will go.

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My littlest Picasso loves sprucing up otherwise boring areas of the house…like the walls, or the cupboards, or my purse….

I’m on the verge of throwing out every pen, pencil, crayon, marker, and eyeliner because this shit is nuts. I have bought stock in Mr. Clean because I am buying Magic Erasers at fucking Costco.

At this point I should mention that Magic Eraser will strip the finish off a table before it will actually take the Sharpie off. Oh, it will also strip paint off walls before the crayon is completely removed. I have a love hate thing going on with Magic Erasers.

I should also mention that I dislike all things arts and crafts. I would love to give my kids the experience of finger painting, rolling play dough, gluing, and cutting but it’s the epic disaster they leave behind that has me wishing I had alcohol in the house!

Little Picasso loves colouring and I do encourage him to colour on paper. He turned my very important list into the prettiest little colouring ever and I could hardly be upset because he had kept the crayon on the paper only!

But Little Picasso enjoys snapping crayons. The little bits usually end up on the floor and Furry Hoover likes anything on the floor.

Poor yellow crayon…

I shoo’ed the dog outside and picked up bits of yellow from the rug.

Little Picasso took the dog’s enthusiasm for the yellow crayon as a sign that these suckers tasted good and decided to nom on blue crayon. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him eating inedible things. He has an affinity for Anya’s sparkly lip gloss.

What goes in, must go out; The 2 creatures, whose poop I have to clean up, shit rainbows and sparkles.

Wylder has decided that he doesn’t need to sleep past 6 am. Yeah. I officially have no alone time. Unfortunately, 6 am was when I showered without little people interrupting or deciding to climb in with me. I’ve had to break my personal rule of never leaving the house unshowered too many times to count and each time I am positive I will have a flat tire. Then I will have to deal with a random stranger judging my ‘just crawled out of bed’ appearance while changing my tire. (Note to self: learn to change a tire)

Without a 6 am shower, I have to somehow manage to sneak one in during the day. Sometime after I have fed Anya her ritual yogourt with apple butter while watching Max & Ruby but definitely before she starts in on the lunch demands. The ideal time happens to be around 11.

The kids were fed, I made sure Wylder was wearing a pair of pants that he cannot remove (therefore removing his diaper…sometimes full of shit), the dog had done his business, and I pushed everything out of reach of kids and dogs.

It takes me 15 minutes to shower, get my pretty on, and get dressed. Not long, right?

WRONG!!!

Rule #1: 15 minutes is enough time for all kinds of WTF shit to take place.

Rule #2: If you hear something, asking a 4 year old what’s going on is fucking useless.

Rule #3: That feeling in the pit of your stomach like something is wrong? Listen to it!

In an EPIC moment of WTF, I came downstairs to a living room pool. Water everywhere. Me, in only my underwear, stood dumbfounded while I watched the tiny terror dumping the entire overflow container from our water dispenser on the floor. Anya was happily playing Dora on the computer…totally unaware of the chaos.

And the dog… He was laying in his bed (the water acting as a moat) and chewing my flip flop. The flip flop had been at the back door because he apparently needs a witness to his crimes against my lawn so I have to walk him off of the deck and watch while he carefully selects the perfect place. (this place, ironically, is usually at the bottom of the damn stairs)

I splashed my way over to the dog, took my flip flop, and firmly told him “No! Bad dog!”. I don’t think he took me seriously because he immediately went to work on one of Anya’s shoes.

Back through the Olympic sized living room pool and to the kitchen where I stocked up on enough paper towel to dry up an ocean. I set to work drying (still in my undies) while gritting my teeth. The boy took my hands and knees as a sign that I was in play mode and he attempted a horsey ride.

Now, I’m not a great judge of volume but there was at least a litre of water on the floor. I say at least because it could have been an entire gallon and I wouldn’t know the difference. I know that the water dispenser had a LOT less water than before.

The hardwood was already a disaster…having 5 kids will do that. Many areas are almost bare so it acted like a sponge. I could almost SEE the wood warp as the day went on! Total affected area is almost 10 feet long and 2 feet wide. Every single time I walk in the living room, I feel it and shake my head.

As for the flip flop…I’m half tempted to give the dog the other one just so they match.


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